The Top 13 Biblical Ways to Get a Wife

5 Jan

1.) Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. – (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

2.) Find a prostitute and marry her. – (Hosea 1:1-3) Perhaps you can ‘make a whore a housewife… ‘(said to a hip hop beat)

                     Nice car.

3.) Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.- Moses (Ex 2:16-21)

4.) Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10) Now THAT’S a sweet deal.

5.) Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. – Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

6.) Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. And the rest of your descendants. BIG TIME   -Adam (Gen 2:19-24)

7.) Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That’s right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. WHAT? – Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

8.) Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone. (It’s all relative, of course. Or for Cain, all relatives. Hehe) – Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

9.) Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. – Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

10.) When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a … woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.” – Samson (Judges 14:1-) Ah what grief it brought him. Maybe parents do know best. Tsk tsk.

Plus she had a hair fetish. Yeesh.

11.) Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). – David (2 Samuel 11)

12.) Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It’s not just a good idea; it’s the law.) – Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

13.) Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. – Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3) Being the wisest man ever, maybe he had a point?

Well, at least someone on the continent seems to think he had a point.

~Nelson Wabwire

On how to get yourself married check out: http://thebattousai.wordpress.com/2011/12/06/thoughts-of-an-educated-fool-an-open-letter-to-ladies-who-are-single-and-searching/

For a different kind of article on the fairer sex check out:

http://thebattousai.wordpress.com/2010/08/17/treatise-for-the-fairer/

On why men need to cheat:

http://walubengoden.wordpress.com/2012/01/07/why-men-need-to-cheat/

12 Responses to “The Top 13 Biblical Ways to Get a Wife”

  1. barbz2011 January 12, 2012 at 3:53 pm #

    …hehehehehehe. I wonder how many will actually take your advice.
    Brillian piece of work. Will definately come back here anytime I am down…

  2. Benson Peter Arudo January 18, 2012 at 5:38 pm #

    Luo ancestors must have some hidden scriptures somewhere (No.12)

    • ed January 19, 2012 at 2:01 pm #

      yeah. Adier.

  3. dow jones industrial average January 20, 2012 at 2:18 pm #

    i love your blog, i have it in my rss reader and always like new things coming up from it.

  4. Mr.Ambaisi January 24, 2012 at 2:19 pm #

    excellent work.keep it up

  5. alawyersdiary March 28, 2012 at 8:44 am #

    Reblogged this on alawyersdiary.

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