Archive | January, 2012

10 Reasons Why Men Are Better Than Women

27 Jan


Top Ten Reasons Men Are Better Than Women reached 200,000 visitors early this morning, so I thought I would mark the occasion by posting a very special top ten list of the top ten ways in which men are better than women.

Naturally as a man the moment I thought of an idea I set to work implementing it — in this case by writing it. It would have been exactly the same if my idea had been the wheel or the Hoover Dam. That’s because I’m a man and instead of taking shit from the world around me, I can shove shit right back into it as well.

Dick’s Top Ten Reasons Why Men Are Better Than Women

10. Men do not have Tourette Syndrome

I believe all women suffer from a mild and extremely localized form of Tourette Syndrome. The afflicted organ? Their tongues. That’s why women cannot shut their fucking mouths for ten seconds while adults are speaking around them. Their tongues are battling around in their mouths like drunken Vipers.

9. Men are not sponges

Women are social chameleons — or better yet: social vampires. Women walk into a situation and before you know it they’ve completely changed their wardrobe and mannerisms as if they’ve joined a fucking cult. Men are not sheep. Everyone knows the word for a female sheep is ewe, but what about the male word? There isn’t one because sheep is something men are not.

8. Women are racists

Women’s entire lives and social circles are based around hatred. Do they hate their boyfriends? Do they hate their wardrobe? Do they hate each other? Yes, yes and fuck definitely. Men don’t go in for that silly sort of nonsense. If we’re dissatisfied, we pick up and move out. Or we take our mighty man muscles and lift fucking mountains so the world looks exactly the way we want it to. Men do more world changing before 9:00 AM than any woman ever has done in her whole life.

7. Men live less than women

The last thing a society needs is a bunch of non-contributing members laying around and sucking all the juice from the young. Men know this so they blast off from birth like shooting man stars — burning out ten years faster, but setting the whole night ablaze with manness. Women just kind of lie around like big fat pigs in big fat puddles of shit. Congratulations women. You really earned those rights!

6. Men write illegibly

Writing is stupid and an ineffective way to communicate. Men know this so they don’t give a shit about handwriting things with big hoops and loops and squiggles and shit so aliens can read notes about remembering to pick up your birth control pills after 6th period from space.

5. Jesus was a man

Whether or not you believe in Jesus, there is one fact you can’t argue with: he was a man. No religion anywhere has ever put a woman in charge of shit. That’s called dogma — man-dogma — and it means men are better than women.

4. Men wear watches

Do you know why men wear watches? It’s because there’s a limited amount of time in the day and men need to know how much of it there is so they can efficiently allocate their man ass kicking for the day. Women don’t wear watches; they wear bracelets. Women wearing bracelets is like dropping a bus of retarded kids off in front of a taffy pulling machine. They can just stare for hours and never get bored.

A watch says, ‘Get up and go! Move your man ass and take care of your fucking man business!’ That’s why 60 minutes uses a ticking watch for its theme song. ‘Important shit is going down and we’re about to talk about it in a fucking fastidious manner, so get the fuck ready,’ says a ticking watch. A bracelet says, ‘You’re most likely ugly, but look at how much money you’re worth!’ What a joke.

3. Boys destroy things

The only thing that has ever lifted our species out of the trees where we came from is our ability to destroy. Take paper: the cornerstone of the modern world. That was invented because man wanted to destroy trees and beat them into pulp. How about nuclear power? Men invented that too. Men are natural destructors. We pop right out of the man-womb and start on a life-long tirade of progress by tearing down the Earth with our mighty, man-manly man-fists. Goddammit, that’s awesome!

2. Marriage is stupid

Marriage is 100% the fault of women. It was invented by men though! Did you know that? Marriage was invented because women were too busy whoring it out to fuck the only the guy who was paying their rent and feeding their fat asses French bon-bons every day. Men invented marriage as a way of telling women who they could and couldn’t fuck. Like everything else men have ever invented, it completely worked and worked way better than any man thought it would. Women became so indoctrinated by the man-invention of marriage that they’re fucking obsessed with it.

Marriage is still stupid. It’s a stupid game invented to entertain stupid minds and to teach basic lessons of fidelity that even invertebrates are born with.

1. Men have penises

When it comes to being a man, being quick at identifying problems is tantamount to fixing them. In fact it’s tantamount-ier. Having a penis — in other words looking like a man and having man parts — is a man’s way of telling other men, ‘Hey. Look at me. I’m a man. I won’t fuck up whatever it is that you’re trying to do. If you need some help, maybe ask me and I’ll see if I can lend a man-hand. It’s the least I could do to be fucking courteous.’

Men Are Better Than Women.

~Dick Masterton


Mama Kibaki and Baby Uhuru

26 Jan

After Sex…

18 Jan


See also:

This Person


The Killing of Osama

Good Woman Wanted

Dis One

Killer Smile

Lawyers and Catfish

FOR MEN: 10 Things You Can Think But Never Say

15 Jan
  1.  ”WHAT AN UGLY CHILD.” Many Babies tend to look like Gollum or Njenga Karume. But all parents believe they are gazing upon the countenance of Leonardo da Vinci’s Mona Lisa, and lifelong enmity is the price of saying otherwise.

2. “YOU SURE YOU NEED SECONDS, DARLING?”  Are you sure you don’t need sex, like for the remainder of this decade?

3. “ARE YOU GOING TO EAT THAT?” Ok, it is irritating that she thinks that leg of chicken is too rare and bloody to eat, or that it has been kaushwad sana by that frier at Kenchic. But not taking food from each other’s plates is one of the dwindling number of things that distinguish us from the animals. DWINDLING.

4.“YEP, I’D TAP THAT”. Say it out loud. How do you think you sound? Like Leonardo DiCaprio and Russell Crowe on a night out in Paris,or like a bunch of adolescent idiots who would be better of running some Kenyan radio talk show? No offence meant to presenters on Kenyan radio. Okay, that’s a lie.

These Niggas is cool

5. “PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER” The phrase that cured hysteria in those old TCM movies no longer wields the same magic. This is doubly true of the full-handed slap that usually accompanied it. Okay, sometimes the slap is necessary.

6.“I BET I COULD HAVE YOU IN A FIGHT” Men can’t help benchmarking themselves against their peers in this way. But vocalizing it makes you sound about 10 years old – and robs you of that crucial element of surprise…

7. “<insert name of recently dead celeb> wasn’t all that.” You might think you’re on safe ground with people who never met the deceased, but you have under-estimated the pathology of our celebrity obsessed age. Leave well alone, unless you’re a Pulse columnist. Or a columnist for that other Friday pullout in the Nation, whatever its name is.

  8. “I LIKE WHAT YOU’VE DONE WITH YOUR BREASTS” And indeed you’re probably supposed to. But to get through to the next round, a more esoteric compliment is required.

Yes. We will use any excuse to put up a picture of boobs.

9. “SHE CAME ON TO ME ONCE, YOU KNOW’ So that faithless slut has finally left your boy bleeding in the gutter. Administering the steel toecap of honesty isn’t going to help at this point.

 10.“I RECOGNISE YOU FROM FACEBOOK” Looking is one thing but it’s difficult to think of another phrase which makes the sayer sound like both a serial killer and a lonely teenage girl.

See also:

Top 13 Biblical Ways to Get a Wife

18 Universal Rules a Man Should Live By

Why Men Need to Cheat

This Person

6 Jan


6 Jan

The Top 13 Biblical Ways to Get a Wife

5 Jan

1.) Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. – (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

2.) Find a prostitute and marry her. – (Hosea 1:1-3) Perhaps you can ‘make a whore a housewife… ‘(said to a hip hop beat)

                     Nice car.

3.) Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.- Moses (Ex 2:16-21)

4.) Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10) Now THAT’S a sweet deal.

5.) Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. – Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

6.) Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. And the rest of your descendants. BIG TIME   -Adam (Gen 2:19-24)

7.) Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That’s right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. WHAT? – Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

8.) Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone. (It’s all relative, of course. Or for Cain, all relatives. Hehe) – Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

9.) Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. – Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

10.) When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a … woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.” – Samson (Judges 14:1-) Ah what grief it brought him. Maybe parents do know best. Tsk tsk.

Plus she had a hair fetish. Yeesh.

11.) Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). – David (2 Samuel 11)

12.) Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It’s not just a good idea; it’s the law.) – Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

13.) Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. – Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3) Being the wisest man ever, maybe he had a point?

Well, at least someone on the continent seems to think he had a point.

~Nelson Wabwire

On how to get yourself married check out:

For a different kind of article on the fairer sex check out:

On why men need to cheat:

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