FOR MEN: 10 Things You Can Think But Never Say

15 Jan
  1.  ”WHAT AN UGLY CHILD.” Many Babies tend to look like Gollum or Njenga Karume. But all parents believe they are gazing upon the countenance of Leonardo da Vinci’s Mona Lisa, and lifelong enmity is the price of saying otherwise.

2. “YOU SURE YOU NEED SECONDS, DARLING?”  Are you sure you don’t need sex, like for the remainder of this decade?

3. “ARE YOU GOING TO EAT THAT?” Ok, it is irritating that she thinks that leg of chicken is too rare and bloody to eat, or that it has been kaushwad sana by that frier at Kenchic. But not taking food from each other’s plates is one of the dwindling number of things that distinguish us from the animals. DWINDLING.

4.“YEP, I’D TAP THAT”. Say it out loud. How do you think you sound? Like Leonardo DiCaprio and Russell Crowe on a night out in Paris,or like a bunch of adolescent idiots who would be better of running some Kenyan radio talk show? No offence meant to presenters on Kenyan radio. Okay, that’s a lie.

These Niggas is cool

5. “PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER” The phrase that cured hysteria in those old TCM movies no longer wields the same magic. This is doubly true of the full-handed slap that usually accompanied it. Okay, sometimes the slap is necessary.

6.“I BET I COULD HAVE YOU IN A FIGHT” Men can’t help benchmarking themselves against their peers in this way. But vocalizing it makes you sound about 10 years old – and robs you of that crucial element of surprise…

7. “<insert name of recently dead celeb> wasn’t all that.” You might think you’re on safe ground with people who never met the deceased, but you have under-estimated the pathology of our celebrity obsessed age. Leave well alone, unless you’re a Pulse columnist. Or a columnist for that other Friday pullout in the Nation, whatever its name is.

  8. “I LIKE WHAT YOU’VE DONE WITH YOUR BREASTS” And indeed you’re probably supposed to. But to get through to the next round, a more esoteric compliment is required.

Yes. We will use any excuse to put up a picture of boobs.

9. “SHE CAME ON TO ME ONCE, YOU KNOW’ So that faithless slut has finally left your boy bleeding in the gutter. Administering the steel toecap of honesty isn’t going to help at this point.

 10.“I RECOGNISE YOU FROM FACEBOOK” Looking is one thing but it’s difficult to think of another phrase which makes the sayer sound like both a serial killer and a lonely teenage girl.

See also:

Top 13 Biblical Ways to Get a Wife

18 Universal Rules a Man Should Live By

Why Men Need to Cheat

Advertisements

One Response to “FOR MEN: 10 Things You Can Think But Never Say”

  1. peterkamande March 10, 2012 at 3:09 pm #

    Reblogged this on peterkamande and commented:
    partially agree

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: